Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Farmville is her only friend.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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