you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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