whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
