I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
