1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
please come you make the beer taste better
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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