So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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