he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
