I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
