everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
