Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
