my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize