Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
