For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can't turn off my feet"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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