Sober January is a disaster.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
