I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
