The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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