My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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