So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
