As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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