I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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