so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i now understand why vodka
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
