"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
