he puts the penis in happiness.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I AM VODKA MAN
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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