This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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