the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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