I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
