I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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