I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
