Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
