i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
