new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
