Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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