Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
