just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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