I hate all girls vehemently.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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