this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
