I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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