Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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