his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
