well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize