I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize