If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize