I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
