Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
