Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
