im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
