the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize