mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's rum buckets o'clock
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
