If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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