i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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