hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
