Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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