I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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