You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
