Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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