My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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