this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
