Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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